Rules of the Relationship: From a Man's Point of View

These are our rules! Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1.. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday + GOOD WEATHER = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing."' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cars, sex, movies, computers, games, or boobs.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes and purses.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Mad Libs Collection: Part 4

Computer Camp - Disneyland theme
Last year I took a vacation at a computer camp. There were forty-two rides there, and we spent four hours every morning learning how to shop on the computer. Computers can give you access to information such as how many adult males in Africa are married to lands. Or which U.S. President passed the sleepy bill regulating dwarves. You can also get Dopey discs that will let you play electronic games using your computer's Disneyland, and computers can project coming events and tell you when the next Main Street Electrical Parade will be held. And what the Gross National Goofy was in 1999. A computer can also be used as a New Orleans Square processor. It will print letters or business reports or pretzels. It was very educational, but this year I am going to a Golden Horseshoe Saloon camp.

Ghost Story
Once there was a little kid who went on an icy hike through a salty forest in the middle of nowhere. At first he had fun watching the cute little elephants go huffing through the trees and talking to the hicks that dodged between the bushes. Then it began to get silly. Soon it was night, and this kid whose name was Fred Nedermyer realized he was lost, and he got very frightened. His billboards began to chatter and he wished he were home with his daddy and tv set. Suddenly he noted that the huge trees began to look like aliens, and they seemed to reach out their U.S. Presidents to grab him. Then he saw a weird shape floating in the air and glowing lustfully. It made a scary noise and said, "I am the spirit of the last of the Johnsons. I am lonely haunting this forest alone, and I came to find some wine to help me." Then it went "snort" and the kid said, "Fah," and that was the last anyone ever heard of him. Boo!

Driving In The Car
Last summer on our vacation, my father drove us to Cheyenne. Our car is an 1804 sedan with 28,142 doors and a fun motor. We started out at sunrise. My mother and father spent all night lifting the house and gambling the car so we could get an early start. My father took his golf states and my mother took her tennis castle. I took my dog, Amelia Earhart. The dog and I and my little pale sister sat in the back. My father was the driver, and as he came out of the driveway he ran into a park and dented a redwood tree. My mother said, "Why don't you pay attention and watch where you are launching?" After 122,102 hours, we stopped to stand at an Omaha. The Omaha was horrible, and this got my father eating again. Aftr driving clumsily in this manner for two days, we finally arrived here and have been having a really sexy time.

The Bakery
Clerk: Good day, Miss. What can I do for you?
Customer: I want to buy some lazy bread.
Clerk: Do you want a loaf of whole-grain Ed or would you like some buttermilk atoms?
Customer: Just a regular loaf with sesame bridges on it.
Cler: All right now, how about some nice sour cake?
Customer: Well, I have 279,995 children, and they all like to eat sweet fishes. How much are your cookies?
Clerk: We have tangy chip cookies at 75 dollars a pound. And we have this box of assorted little creeks for only two dollars.
Customer: I'll take one. They look like they don't have more than 2 calories.
Clerk: All right. That will be one box of lemmings, our special puce berry pie, and a big family-sized loaf of buffalo.

Mad Libs Collection: Part 3

Bears
If you go to some sandy place like Yellowstone National Fence, you must know how to deal with the wild animals such as bears and wolves and grasses. The most important of these is the bear. There are three kinds of bears, the grizzly bear, the streaky bear, and the green bear. Bears spend most of their time driving or burping. They look very blue, but if you make them loony, they might bite your Keri. Bears will come up to your car and beg for tacos. They will stand on their hind legs and clap their boobies together and pretend to be plump. But do not get out of your Chevy Cavalier or offer the bears salads or marshmellows. This same advice applies to other wild creatures such as prairie dogs and whales. Remember all these rules and you will spend your vacation floppily and not get eaten by a Superman.

Vacation Dialogue
Girl: Hello. My name is Francesca.
Boy: Hi. My name is Vin Diesel. I came here with my mother and father and my little house.
Girl: I am here with my best girl Dairy Queen. We are staying at the John Hilton Hotel.
Boy: I hear they have a great city there. How is the food?
Girl: Leafy. But the room only costs 487 dollars a aday.
Boy: I rented a factory for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go loving.
Girl: I'd love to, but I promised Anna Nicole Smith I'd go entering with her.
Boy: Well, tonight there is a Rough Dance at the Hotel Barking Room.
Girl: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
Boy: Yes, be sure and wear a grey dress and your flip-flops. I am going to wear my feet.

Cave Exploring
If you like to go yawning in white caves that are 27,737 feet underground, you should go to the Warm Mammoth Caves located in Coconut Bay. Thousands of strong candles go there every summer. Crawling about in caves is called "spelunking." And it is really a dead sport. But always go with an orange guide so you won't get lost. Once in the cave, you will see beautiful blue and cream rocks and crystals. Huge round things hang from the ceiling and are called "stalagtites." Huge glowing things jut up from the floor and are called "stalagmites." Caves are homes for millions of high bats. Bats can fly and look like skinny rats. Spelunking is dangerous, so be sure to wear special shoes with ocean waves on them and a hat with a battery-powered gas.

Letter To A Friend Back Home
Dear Custer,
Well, here we are at the Feathery Seaside Hotel in Subway. The weather is grainy and the temperature is 1 degrees. Our hotel room looks out onto a garden filled with corn trees and tropical Indians. The natives are all little and spend their time crossing and riding their mills through the streets. Most of them only speak Romanian, but I can communicate with them by making signs with my intestines. The local food is really giant. Mostly they eat freaky burritos and refried chips. Our hotel only costs a hundred kumquats a day. We are going to spend the week turning and then come home. Wish you were here!

Vacations
A vacation is when you take a trip to some cloudy place with your tired family. Usually you go to some place that is near a rabbit or up a mouse. A good vacation place is one where you can ride lemurs or play Monopoly or go hunting for fairies. I like to spend my time building or digging. When parents go on a vacation, they spend their time eating three steaks a day, and fathers play golf, and mothers sit around merging. Last summer, my little brother fell in a farm and got poison snap dragon all over his cuticle. My family is going to go to Morse Creek, and I will practice passing. Parents need vacations more than kids because parents are always very shadowy and because they have to work 28,121 hours every day all year making enough maps to pay for vacation.

Chess - Night at the Roxbury theme

Some camps love to crunch chess. Chess is an ancient game invented by Emilio Esteves. A similar game called Noooo Yessss was played by Chinese Butabe Boys in the fourth century. It requires dumb concentration and a short mind. It is played on a square Credit Vixen by moving thirty-two little bulbs. The pieces are called "the King" and "the Queen" and "the Fluffy Whip," and the "Fake Plant Shop Owner." The object is to capture your opponent's Hotty Police Officer. When you threaten his king, you must say, "Did you grab my butt?" and if you win, you say, "You had me at hello!"

    A chess player must sit in one place for hours at a time. This is very hard on his hair. Sometimes a famous champion like Richard Greako will play 133 different people all at once. Most champion chess players are very slutty. Many of them are also French.

Long Distance Running - Moulin Rouge theme

    For years, everyone thought the four-minute mile was a sexy dream. Now every camper named Tom, Dick, and Toulus can do it because of new fast training methods. Distance runners have to give up kissing and singing. They eat lots of wine and plenty of fresh red vegetables and lots of diamonds. Every morning they spend 1 million hours stretching their lips and touching breasts. Then they spend two hours dancing until their pulse gets up to 1,901. Then they do 1 lap around the track. All of this strengthens their green fairies so they will be ready to run the Paris Marathon. You can always tell a serious runner by the colorful expression on his Moulin Rouge.